[Everything was different after the war. Sledge found that his bed was too soft. The family home was too quiet, too clean. During the war, he'd have given anything for a soft mattress and a pillow but now when he laid in his bed at home it was too soft. He'd wake up from horrible nightmares, his throat raw and sheets drenched with sweat. More than a few nights he'd huddled on the hard floor in the corner of his room and that was the best sleep he'd had since he'd been home.
The panic attacks would come at the most inconvenient times. And he found himself missing the battlefield when you didn't have the time or luxury for it. Every moment asleep or awake was about survival. He supposed it was still true now but it was different. His every moment was about surviving surviving. Being dead would've been easier than living with all the things he'd done. Too many nights he'd close his eyes and see that old Japanese woman that he'd held until she died, that family blown to bits. He'd feel sick. Those nights that he couldn't escape that image was the worst.
Another thing about the war being over was he felt alone. Sure, his brother understood. So did Sid but they seemed to be moving on with their lives, adjusting better than Eugene was. Eugene missed the guys. He missed those brothers that were closer than blood because of everything they'd been through.
He missed Snafu. That dirty rotten bastard that left him on that train without a word. He knew Snafu knew exactly where he was but there'd been no letters and Eugene had never gotten an exact location for Snafu or he'd have written him a really nasty letter to express his anger.
To tell him he missed him.
Eugene thought about him a lot.]
Eugene, you've got a visitor. [The all too kind and patient voice of his father broke into his thoughts and Eugene furrowed his brow, pulling the pipe from his mouth.
He didn't bother answering his father, getting up from the desk he'd been at and moving to the foyer to see who it was this time. If it was that damned preacher again he was going to curse God. He didn't quite feel ready to forgive God for everything just yet.]
[He's in the study, you may as well go in, son, said Sledge's father, but he was kind and understanding enough to walk away afterward rather than waiting until Snafu had actually done so. Maybe he'd gotten some kind of feeling from the fact that Eugene didn't come to greet him, or maybe - nah, Snafu can't imagine that Eugene ever said anything about him, or brought up the way they parted. He can't imagine it affected Eugene much at all, what with so much to come back to here.
It certainly affected Snafu, who was once again Merriell and would've given anything to hear that stupid fucking nickname aloud again. He knew, as he stared down at Eugene's sleeping form on the train, that they didn't actually have anything in common beyond the war. Once everyone had settled back into their lives, they'd tire of Merriell Shelton when they weren't forced into his company, of his constant haranguing jokes and snide smirk - and somehow, that would've been so much worse than a clean break. Especially when it came to Eugene, who saw more of the real him than anyone else in that war, maybe in his whole damn life.
But Merriell didn't settle back into his life. Thing was, he didn't have anything in common with the boys back home anymore, either; he realized right quick, after one too many of his old friends came to blows with him over how much meaner he'd gotten, that he was going to be a tourist in any life he tried to live after the war. All he could do now was pick which location he preferred.
Well, and hope he wasn't thrown out once he'd chosen. It'd be within Eugene's rights, he knew that. It wasn't right for him to show up here after disappearing and then falling silent, he knew that too. But he finally had something to hope for, and he clung to it desperately as he shuffled into the study.]
That any way to treat a guest, Sledgehammer? [His tone was perfect, his words well-chosen, classic Snafu - his face was raw as an open wound.]
For a long moment, Eugene was sure he'd finally cracked. If he'd been in the war this would be his standing up at night and firing at Japs, trying to get himself killed. He'd finally lost every damn one of his marbles.
Because that voice couldn't be real.]
What the hell are you doing here, Snafu?
[His hands tightened into fist as he met the face that the voice belonged to. The anger that he'd been harboring since he woke up alone on that train surged and he lunged at him his fist aiming for his jaw.
Underneath the anger there was a surging joy and relief, a trickle of life coming back to him.]
[For Snafu, there couldn't possibly have been a better response to his reappearance. He was still Snafu, after all, to the person who mattered most, and maybe not having Snafu in his life had mattered to Eugene as well. A punch in the face sure suggested that he wasn't entirely happy about the situation.
It also took Snafu so completely by surprise that it knocked him right to the floor, flat on his ass. Stung, too. He clamped a hand around his lower jaw and worked it from side to side for a moment, just staring up at Eugene in disbelief, before everything clicked into place and he started to laugh.
Big, boisterous peals of laughter, too, probably the happiest sound this house had heard since before the war.]
Shit, Eugene, where the fuck you keep all that punch hidden away in your little body? You taken up boxing since last time I saw you?
[But even as he says it, Eugene is smiling. The punch had sated some
of the venom of his anger, seeing Snafu sprawled on his ass made him feel a
bit vindicated.]
Why are you here? [A brief pause before he asks what he really
wanted to know.] Why didn't you wake me up on the train?
[Good. He was smiling, which was good. But he was also asking the big questions right off the bat, which Snafu should've expected from Eugene, yet had no idea how to handle.]
Why, I just couldn't live another day without seein' your handsome face again. [They were past that, though. When it really mattered, they were past Snafu's stupid jokes, and his knowledge of that fact showed in how quickly his face fell as he climbed to his feet.]
I - Eugene - [He sighed heavily, shoulders rolling forward in the exact opposite of the stance he'd kept up most of the time Eugene had known him - he looked small and defeated, like he could never have played the arrogant king of the world.] - there weren't nothin' left for any of us to say to each other when we got back. We woulda gone from talkin' 'bout what we'd do back home to relivin' that shithole over and over again forever once we actually got there 'cause it's all we had in common.
[It almost sounded like a kindness when he put it that way. Like he'd done it to protect Eugene, not to protect himself.]
[Eugene rolled his eyes, scoffing a little at the joke. It wasn't that. He knew that was hardly the reason the other had shown up here in Mobile. He watched the other's face though, that moment when his expression fell and the weight of his question had hit Snafu.
As he stood, Eugene watched as his body seemed to do the same. The facade he always kept up slipping away and Eugene didn't have to search for the real Shelton. He was right there, plain as day.]
If you think that, why are you here then?
[He knew the answer, at least he thought he did. They were reliving that shithole over and over again but they were doing it alone.]
Waking up and you were gone... it was like you died.
[Snafu's eyes went wide and wounded when Eugene said that. Like you died - was there anything worse to inflict on a marine who'd finally escaped the hell of somewhere like the Pacific theater, worse than the pain of forever losing someone else? He didn't see how it could possibly have been so intense, but Eugene didn't lie about this sort of thing. He didn't lie about much, which was one of his many good traits.
Don't tell me you forgot the smell of a corpse that quick, he thought, but he couldn't say it. He couldn't work up the strength to keep joking.]
I never thought -
[Well, that was it, wasn't it? He never thought. Not once in the whole time they knew each other.]
[It was meant as a joke but there was a softness to the way that Eugene said that betrayed the anger and pain that was still harbored that he was trying not to throw at Snafu. He turned away for a moment, moving back to the desk and sinking into the chair.
He reached for the pipe but then set it down again, looking at Snafu. His chest alternated between an overwhelming ache and feeling hollow. He wasn't sure which one was worse. He wasn't sure why Snafu being here made it all the more intense.]
Why are you here...really? [Eugene asked, his voice tired because if Snafu was here for just a brief visit and then disappearing into oblivion he wasn't sure he could handle it.]
[Eugene's humour was so much more subtle, without all the drawl and flourish that made Snafu's so dramatic. Not for the first time, Snafu wondered if his comparatively straightforward nature meant that he had less to hide, or just felt less need to hide it all; either way, he was several rungs up the ladder for it, that was for sure.
But it didn't make things easy on Snafu when shit got hard, and this was about as hard as things had been in a long while. He averted his eyes, lower lip sucked between his teeth as he tried to work out what to say. Even with that additional really, which clearly meant that Eugene wanted the unfiltered truth, Snafu couldn't bear to speak so plainly.]
I don't like lookin' at myself when I'm alone. Not inside or outside. [He didn't like being with himself, the one person he could never escape.]
[There was no joke to be had at that answer. It wasn't everything but it was enough. Eugene could accept that answer. It wasn't another joke or some tall tale. It was Snafu.]
Yeah.
[Eugene could understand it in a way, maybe it came to them in different ways but he knew what he meant.]
So you came here. Why me?
[That was a stupid question but it didn't stop Eugene from asking. After all, Snafu could have dropped in on any of the guys.]
[That question got Snafu laughing again, but it wasn't the cheerful sound from earlier. It was brittle and caustic, annoyed that Eugene would take advantage of his frank honesty in such a moment to ask something so self-serving.]
You really gotta ask that? 'Cause you don't know me half as well as I thought if you do. [He had to have known he was special all along. Different, set apart for whatever reason. He had to.]
[He did feel a hint of guiltiness when he heard that laugh but he didn't take the question back, didn't rephrase.]
No. [Eugene said quietly but Snafu had still left him without a damned word and that was fresh in his mind still, that moment he woke up alone in a place he didn't know anymore with himself and the only people, the person who'd known him as he was was gone.]
Are you staying in Mobile? [There was a tinge of desperation there like if Snafu said no he might break. He figured maybe they were both just as fragile as the other but as with everything it manifested in different ways. But even with everything it stirred up seeing him there, in the same room with him, suddenly he didn't feel alone and he felt like someone knew him as he was again.]
[For a moment, all Snafu could offer in response was a nod, and it was more to himself than Eugene. Yeah, he thought, he'd been right to come here. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was wrong to leave how he did, not yet, because he didn't have all the facts at that point - now, though, it was better for them to be together.
Something twisted sharply in his chest at the tone in Eugene's voice when he asked if Snafu was staying. There was never time to acknowledge how they needed one another during the war, and there wasn't really any place for that kind of sentimentality, either; you might exchange a brief look if the other really saved your hide, but that was all you could spare. It sounded strange to hear that need laid so bare in Eugene's voice, and more wonderful than he could've guessed.]
Yeah. 'Least for a few days. Wasn't doin' nothin' back home so there ain't nobody to need me back in a hurry.
[A few days. Eugene nodded, fingers fiddling with the pipe again. There were words crowding to get out but his throat felt tight, too tight to speak. He stared at Snafu instead, memories and nightmares both crowding into his thoughts as he did.
He swallowed hard, forcing a smile.]
Good. Enough time for you to get through all the dames here.
C'mon now, you ain't really gonna let me near any'a your sweet, small town Southern belles, are ya? [His grin was wolfish and suggestive, as anyone would expect, and the sibilance in his choice of words gave his voice a slightly predatory hiss.] Like lettin' a wolf loose in a sheep pasture.
[It was just as haunting for him to be near Eugene again, really. He could still feel the slippery fabric of Eugene's poncho under his hands as he held him back in the sluicing rain that night they watched one kid lose his mind and another get shot in the most senseless way, and the futility of it all really crashed down on their shoulders. The sensation made him want to grip the shirt Eugene was wearing now, just to be sure they were both really here. They'd both really made it.]
Could I stop you if you wanted to get loose on them? [Eugene asked with a small smile, relaxing just a little bit. He got up again, going to a liquor cabinet that was in the office and pulling out a not too shabby stock of whiskey and two glasses.
He kept looking toward Snafu, as if making sure that he was really here. He wanted to pinch himself, feel the pain and know that this was real but he was sure the other would see him and tease him about it.]
You could stay more than a few days, y'know. If no one's really waiting on you...
[He was about to answer that joke as Eugene handed him the tumbler of whiskey, but the second statement startled him so badly that the planned response slipped right out of his mind. "More than a few days" could mean anything - it could mean a week, or a month. So why did it feel so much like Eugene was suggesting relocation?
That was the dumbest thought he'd ever had, but he couldn't shake it.]
[Eugene stared at his drink and he tried to imagine going back just a few minutes to the world that didn't have Snafu in it again and he felt his heart squeeze painfully. He found himself once again trying to avoid letting Snafu see his expression. They could read each other, see each other and that was a blessing and a curse.
He put the glass to his lips draining the contents all too quickly.]
[By contrast, Snafu hadn't touched his drink yet. He was right about Eugene's offer, and it was huge, and he wasn't sure how to respond. The honest truth was that he didn't have a damn thing to go back to but odd jobs, because he'd never been able to stay in any kind of employment for long. As for friends and loved ones... he'd been driven here to face the shame of how he allowed them to part because he felt so isolated, which said all that he felt needed to be said about that.]
Nothin'. [It was his turn to look into his glass, swirling it slightly.] But I dunno what I'd make of myself here, neither. What kinda luck'd I have in Mobile if I couldn't make it in New Orleans?
[Eugene poured himself another drink and lifted a shoulder.] My family can help there.
[Simple. They were well-respected and any kind of recommendation from his father was likely to carry weight and help.] And then we...
[Silence. The words caught in his throat. What was he trying to say? He set the glass down without taking a sip out of the second round. He looked at Snafu for the answer.]
[Snafu didn't even have time to get caught up in stupid pride over Eugene's suggestion, because the open-ended statement that came next made him so curious. "Then we -" what? Where had that come from? It didn't appear that Snafu would be finding out, because now Eugene was looking to him.]
Buy a nice house with a white picket fence? [He didn't know either, of course he didn't, so of course he filled the space with a joke.]
[He burst out laughing when Eugene appeared to take him seriously just for that split second, even though it was a very vulnerable moment that probably deserved respect. More than anything, though, he just sounded startled.]
I ain't livin' with you, Eugene, don't matter how comfortable it'd be. I didn't come here to ruin your reputation.
[It seemed as though he wasn't all that concerned about his own.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-08-18 09:18 pm (UTC)I HOPE THIS IS OKAY IDK IF ITS WHAT YOU WERE THINKING
Date: 2016-08-18 11:57 pm (UTC)The panic attacks would come at the most inconvenient times. And he found himself missing the battlefield when you didn't have the time or luxury for it. Every moment asleep or awake was about survival. He supposed it was still true now but it was different. His every moment was about surviving surviving. Being dead would've been easier than living with all the things he'd done. Too many nights he'd close his eyes and see that old Japanese woman that he'd held until she died, that family blown to bits. He'd feel sick. Those nights that he couldn't escape that image was the worst.
Another thing about the war being over was he felt alone. Sure, his brother understood. So did Sid but they seemed to be moving on with their lives, adjusting better than Eugene was. Eugene missed the guys. He missed those brothers that were closer than blood because of everything they'd been through.
He missed Snafu. That dirty rotten bastard that left him on that train without a word. He knew Snafu knew exactly where he was but there'd been no letters and Eugene had never gotten an exact location for Snafu or he'd have written him a really nasty letter to express his anger.
To tell him he missed him.
Eugene thought about him a lot.]
Eugene, you've got a visitor. [The all too kind and patient voice of his father broke into his thoughts and Eugene furrowed his brow, pulling the pipe from his mouth.
He didn't bother answering his father, getting up from the desk he'd been at and moving to the foyer to see who it was this time. If it was that damned preacher again he was going to curse God. He didn't quite feel ready to forgive God for everything just yet.]
wow that made me really emotional in the WELL DONE way
Date: 2016-08-19 12:14 am (UTC)It certainly affected Snafu, who was once again Merriell and would've given anything to hear that stupid fucking nickname aloud again. He knew, as he stared down at Eugene's sleeping form on the train, that they didn't actually have anything in common beyond the war. Once everyone had settled back into their lives, they'd tire of Merriell Shelton when they weren't forced into his company, of his constant haranguing jokes and snide smirk - and somehow, that would've been so much worse than a clean break. Especially when it came to Eugene, who saw more of the real him than anyone else in that war, maybe in his whole damn life.
But Merriell didn't settle back into his life. Thing was, he didn't have anything in common with the boys back home anymore, either; he realized right quick, after one too many of his old friends came to blows with him over how much meaner he'd gotten, that he was going to be a tourist in any life he tried to live after the war. All he could do now was pick which location he preferred.
Well, and hope he wasn't thrown out once he'd chosen. It'd be within Eugene's rights, he knew that. It wasn't right for him to show up here after disappearing and then falling silent, he knew that too. But he finally had something to hope for, and he clung to it desperately as he shuffled into the study.]
That any way to treat a guest, Sledgehammer? [His tone was perfect, his words well-chosen, classic Snafu - his face was raw as an open wound.]
AHhhhhhhhh what have we done
Date: 2016-08-19 12:32 am (UTC)For a long moment, Eugene was sure he'd finally cracked. If he'd been in the war this would be his standing up at night and firing at Japs, trying to get himself killed. He'd finally lost every damn one of his marbles.
Because that voice couldn't be real.]
What the hell are you doing here, Snafu?
[His hands tightened into fist as he met the face that the voice belonged to. The anger that he'd been harboring since he woke up alone on that train surged and he lunged at him his fist aiming for his jaw.
Underneath the anger there was a surging joy and relief, a trickle of life coming back to him.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 12:40 am (UTC)It also took Snafu so completely by surprise that it knocked him right to the floor, flat on his ass. Stung, too. He clamped a hand around his lower jaw and worked it from side to side for a moment, just staring up at Eugene in disbelief, before everything clicked into place and he started to laugh.
Big, boisterous peals of laughter, too, probably the happiest sound this house had heard since before the war.]
Shit, Eugene, where the fuck you keep all that punch hidden away in your little body? You taken up boxing since last time I saw you?
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Date: 2016-08-19 12:50 am (UTC)Fuck off.
[But even as he says it, Eugene is smiling. The punch had sated some of the venom of his anger, seeing Snafu sprawled on his ass made him feel a bit vindicated.]
Why are you here? [A brief pause before he asks what he really wanted to know.] Why didn't you wake me up on the train?
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:12 am (UTC)Why, I just couldn't live another day without seein' your handsome face again. [They were past that, though. When it really mattered, they were past Snafu's stupid jokes, and his knowledge of that fact showed in how quickly his face fell as he climbed to his feet.]
I - Eugene - [He sighed heavily, shoulders rolling forward in the exact opposite of the stance he'd kept up most of the time Eugene had known him - he looked small and defeated, like he could never have played the arrogant king of the world.] - there weren't nothin' left for any of us to say to each other when we got back. We woulda gone from talkin' 'bout what we'd do back home to relivin' that shithole over and over again forever once we actually got there 'cause it's all we had in common.
[It almost sounded like a kindness when he put it that way. Like he'd done it to protect Eugene, not to protect himself.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:27 am (UTC)As he stood, Eugene watched as his body seemed to do the same. The facade he always kept up slipping away and Eugene didn't have to search for the real Shelton. He was right there, plain as day.]
If you think that, why are you here then?
[He knew the answer, at least he thought he did. They were reliving that shithole over and over again but they were doing it alone.]
Waking up and you were gone... it was like you died.
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:36 am (UTC)Don't tell me you forgot the smell of a corpse that quick, he thought, but he couldn't say it. He couldn't work up the strength to keep joking.]
I never thought -
[Well, that was it, wasn't it? He never thought. Not once in the whole time they knew each other.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 01:47 am (UTC)[It was meant as a joke but there was a softness to the way that Eugene said that betrayed the anger and pain that was still harbored that he was trying not to throw at Snafu. He turned away for a moment, moving back to the desk and sinking into the chair.
He reached for the pipe but then set it down again, looking at Snafu. His chest alternated between an overwhelming ache and feeling hollow. He wasn't sure which one was worse. He wasn't sure why Snafu being here made it all the more intense.]
Why are you here...really? [Eugene asked, his voice tired because if Snafu was here for just a brief visit and then disappearing into oblivion he wasn't sure he could handle it.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 01:56 am (UTC)But it didn't make things easy on Snafu when shit got hard, and this was about as hard as things had been in a long while. He averted his eyes, lower lip sucked between his teeth as he tried to work out what to say. Even with that additional really, which clearly meant that Eugene wanted the unfiltered truth, Snafu couldn't bear to speak so plainly.]
I don't like lookin' at myself when I'm alone. Not inside or outside. [He didn't like being with himself, the one person he could never escape.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 02:06 am (UTC)Yeah.
[Eugene could understand it in a way, maybe it came to them in different ways but he knew what he meant.]
So you came here. Why me?
[That was a stupid question but it didn't stop Eugene from asking. After all, Snafu could have dropped in on any of the guys.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 02:22 am (UTC)You really gotta ask that? 'Cause you don't know me half as well as I thought if you do. [He had to have known he was special all along. Different, set apart for whatever reason. He had to.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:32 am (UTC)No. [Eugene said quietly but Snafu had still left him without a damned word and that was fresh in his mind still, that moment he woke up alone in a place he didn't know anymore with himself and the only people, the person who'd known him as he was was gone.]
Are you staying in Mobile? [There was a tinge of desperation there like if Snafu said no he might break. He figured maybe they were both just as fragile as the other but as with everything it manifested in different ways. But even with everything it stirred up seeing him there, in the same room with him, suddenly he didn't feel alone and he felt like someone knew him as he was again.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 02:42 am (UTC)Something twisted sharply in his chest at the tone in Eugene's voice when he asked if Snafu was staying. There was never time to acknowledge how they needed one another during the war, and there wasn't really any place for that kind of sentimentality, either; you might exchange a brief look if the other really saved your hide, but that was all you could spare. It sounded strange to hear that need laid so bare in Eugene's voice, and more wonderful than he could've guessed.]
Yeah. 'Least for a few days. Wasn't doin' nothin' back home so there ain't nobody to need me back in a hurry.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 02:47 am (UTC)He swallowed hard, forcing a smile.]
Good. Enough time for you to get through all the dames here.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 03:07 am (UTC)[It was just as haunting for him to be near Eugene again, really. He could still feel the slippery fabric of Eugene's poncho under his hands as he held him back in the sluicing rain that night they watched one kid lose his mind and another get shot in the most senseless way, and the futility of it all really crashed down on their shoulders. The sensation made him want to grip the shirt Eugene was wearing now, just to be sure they were both really here. They'd both really made it.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 03:29 am (UTC)He kept looking toward Snafu, as if making sure that he was really here. He wanted to pinch himself, feel the pain and know that this was real but he was sure the other would see him and tease him about it.]
You could stay more than a few days, y'know. If no one's really waiting on you...
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:42 am (UTC)That was the dumbest thought he'd ever had, but he couldn't shake it.]
Like how long?
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:49 am (UTC)He put the glass to his lips draining the contents all too quickly.]
Do you have anything to go back to?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 04:11 am (UTC)Nothin'. [It was his turn to look into his glass, swirling it slightly.] But I dunno what I'd make of myself here, neither. What kinda luck'd I have in Mobile if I couldn't make it in New Orleans?
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:18 am (UTC)[Simple. They were well-respected and any kind of recommendation from his father was likely to carry weight and help.] And then we...
[Silence. The words caught in his throat. What was he trying to say? He set the glass down without taking a sip out of the second round. He looked at Snafu for the answer.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:26 am (UTC)Buy a nice house with a white picket fence? [He didn't know either, of course he didn't, so of course he filled the space with a joke.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:29 am (UTC)Then neither of us have to be alone with the war inside of us.
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:32 am (UTC)I ain't livin' with you, Eugene, don't matter how comfortable it'd be. I didn't come here to ruin your reputation.
[It seemed as though he wasn't all that concerned about his own.]
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