[But even as he says it, Eugene is smiling. The punch had sated some
of the venom of his anger, seeing Snafu sprawled on his ass made him feel a
bit vindicated.]
Why are you here? [A brief pause before he asks what he really
wanted to know.] Why didn't you wake me up on the train?
[Good. He was smiling, which was good. But he was also asking the big questions right off the bat, which Snafu should've expected from Eugene, yet had no idea how to handle.]
Why, I just couldn't live another day without seein' your handsome face again. [They were past that, though. When it really mattered, they were past Snafu's stupid jokes, and his knowledge of that fact showed in how quickly his face fell as he climbed to his feet.]
I - Eugene - [He sighed heavily, shoulders rolling forward in the exact opposite of the stance he'd kept up most of the time Eugene had known him - he looked small and defeated, like he could never have played the arrogant king of the world.] - there weren't nothin' left for any of us to say to each other when we got back. We woulda gone from talkin' 'bout what we'd do back home to relivin' that shithole over and over again forever once we actually got there 'cause it's all we had in common.
[It almost sounded like a kindness when he put it that way. Like he'd done it to protect Eugene, not to protect himself.]
[Eugene rolled his eyes, scoffing a little at the joke. It wasn't that. He knew that was hardly the reason the other had shown up here in Mobile. He watched the other's face though, that moment when his expression fell and the weight of his question had hit Snafu.
As he stood, Eugene watched as his body seemed to do the same. The facade he always kept up slipping away and Eugene didn't have to search for the real Shelton. He was right there, plain as day.]
If you think that, why are you here then?
[He knew the answer, at least he thought he did. They were reliving that shithole over and over again but they were doing it alone.]
Waking up and you were gone... it was like you died.
[Snafu's eyes went wide and wounded when Eugene said that. Like you died - was there anything worse to inflict on a marine who'd finally escaped the hell of somewhere like the Pacific theater, worse than the pain of forever losing someone else? He didn't see how it could possibly have been so intense, but Eugene didn't lie about this sort of thing. He didn't lie about much, which was one of his many good traits.
Don't tell me you forgot the smell of a corpse that quick, he thought, but he couldn't say it. He couldn't work up the strength to keep joking.]
I never thought -
[Well, that was it, wasn't it? He never thought. Not once in the whole time they knew each other.]
[It was meant as a joke but there was a softness to the way that Eugene said that betrayed the anger and pain that was still harbored that he was trying not to throw at Snafu. He turned away for a moment, moving back to the desk and sinking into the chair.
He reached for the pipe but then set it down again, looking at Snafu. His chest alternated between an overwhelming ache and feeling hollow. He wasn't sure which one was worse. He wasn't sure why Snafu being here made it all the more intense.]
Why are you here...really? [Eugene asked, his voice tired because if Snafu was here for just a brief visit and then disappearing into oblivion he wasn't sure he could handle it.]
[Eugene's humour was so much more subtle, without all the drawl and flourish that made Snafu's so dramatic. Not for the first time, Snafu wondered if his comparatively straightforward nature meant that he had less to hide, or just felt less need to hide it all; either way, he was several rungs up the ladder for it, that was for sure.
But it didn't make things easy on Snafu when shit got hard, and this was about as hard as things had been in a long while. He averted his eyes, lower lip sucked between his teeth as he tried to work out what to say. Even with that additional really, which clearly meant that Eugene wanted the unfiltered truth, Snafu couldn't bear to speak so plainly.]
I don't like lookin' at myself when I'm alone. Not inside or outside. [He didn't like being with himself, the one person he could never escape.]
[There was no joke to be had at that answer. It wasn't everything but it was enough. Eugene could accept that answer. It wasn't another joke or some tall tale. It was Snafu.]
Yeah.
[Eugene could understand it in a way, maybe it came to them in different ways but he knew what he meant.]
So you came here. Why me?
[That was a stupid question but it didn't stop Eugene from asking. After all, Snafu could have dropped in on any of the guys.]
[That question got Snafu laughing again, but it wasn't the cheerful sound from earlier. It was brittle and caustic, annoyed that Eugene would take advantage of his frank honesty in such a moment to ask something so self-serving.]
You really gotta ask that? 'Cause you don't know me half as well as I thought if you do. [He had to have known he was special all along. Different, set apart for whatever reason. He had to.]
[He did feel a hint of guiltiness when he heard that laugh but he didn't take the question back, didn't rephrase.]
No. [Eugene said quietly but Snafu had still left him without a damned word and that was fresh in his mind still, that moment he woke up alone in a place he didn't know anymore with himself and the only people, the person who'd known him as he was was gone.]
Are you staying in Mobile? [There was a tinge of desperation there like if Snafu said no he might break. He figured maybe they were both just as fragile as the other but as with everything it manifested in different ways. But even with everything it stirred up seeing him there, in the same room with him, suddenly he didn't feel alone and he felt like someone knew him as he was again.]
[For a moment, all Snafu could offer in response was a nod, and it was more to himself than Eugene. Yeah, he thought, he'd been right to come here. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was wrong to leave how he did, not yet, because he didn't have all the facts at that point - now, though, it was better for them to be together.
Something twisted sharply in his chest at the tone in Eugene's voice when he asked if Snafu was staying. There was never time to acknowledge how they needed one another during the war, and there wasn't really any place for that kind of sentimentality, either; you might exchange a brief look if the other really saved your hide, but that was all you could spare. It sounded strange to hear that need laid so bare in Eugene's voice, and more wonderful than he could've guessed.]
Yeah. 'Least for a few days. Wasn't doin' nothin' back home so there ain't nobody to need me back in a hurry.
[A few days. Eugene nodded, fingers fiddling with the pipe again. There were words crowding to get out but his throat felt tight, too tight to speak. He stared at Snafu instead, memories and nightmares both crowding into his thoughts as he did.
He swallowed hard, forcing a smile.]
Good. Enough time for you to get through all the dames here.
C'mon now, you ain't really gonna let me near any'a your sweet, small town Southern belles, are ya? [His grin was wolfish and suggestive, as anyone would expect, and the sibilance in his choice of words gave his voice a slightly predatory hiss.] Like lettin' a wolf loose in a sheep pasture.
[It was just as haunting for him to be near Eugene again, really. He could still feel the slippery fabric of Eugene's poncho under his hands as he held him back in the sluicing rain that night they watched one kid lose his mind and another get shot in the most senseless way, and the futility of it all really crashed down on their shoulders. The sensation made him want to grip the shirt Eugene was wearing now, just to be sure they were both really here. They'd both really made it.]
Could I stop you if you wanted to get loose on them? [Eugene asked with a small smile, relaxing just a little bit. He got up again, going to a liquor cabinet that was in the office and pulling out a not too shabby stock of whiskey and two glasses.
He kept looking toward Snafu, as if making sure that he was really here. He wanted to pinch himself, feel the pain and know that this was real but he was sure the other would see him and tease him about it.]
You could stay more than a few days, y'know. If no one's really waiting on you...
[He was about to answer that joke as Eugene handed him the tumbler of whiskey, but the second statement startled him so badly that the planned response slipped right out of his mind. "More than a few days" could mean anything - it could mean a week, or a month. So why did it feel so much like Eugene was suggesting relocation?
That was the dumbest thought he'd ever had, but he couldn't shake it.]
[Eugene stared at his drink and he tried to imagine going back just a few minutes to the world that didn't have Snafu in it again and he felt his heart squeeze painfully. He found himself once again trying to avoid letting Snafu see his expression. They could read each other, see each other and that was a blessing and a curse.
He put the glass to his lips draining the contents all too quickly.]
[By contrast, Snafu hadn't touched his drink yet. He was right about Eugene's offer, and it was huge, and he wasn't sure how to respond. The honest truth was that he didn't have a damn thing to go back to but odd jobs, because he'd never been able to stay in any kind of employment for long. As for friends and loved ones... he'd been driven here to face the shame of how he allowed them to part because he felt so isolated, which said all that he felt needed to be said about that.]
Nothin'. [It was his turn to look into his glass, swirling it slightly.] But I dunno what I'd make of myself here, neither. What kinda luck'd I have in Mobile if I couldn't make it in New Orleans?
[Eugene poured himself another drink and lifted a shoulder.] My family can help there.
[Simple. They were well-respected and any kind of recommendation from his father was likely to carry weight and help.] And then we...
[Silence. The words caught in his throat. What was he trying to say? He set the glass down without taking a sip out of the second round. He looked at Snafu for the answer.]
[Snafu didn't even have time to get caught up in stupid pride over Eugene's suggestion, because the open-ended statement that came next made him so curious. "Then we -" what? Where had that come from? It didn't appear that Snafu would be finding out, because now Eugene was looking to him.]
Buy a nice house with a white picket fence? [He didn't know either, of course he didn't, so of course he filled the space with a joke.]
[He burst out laughing when Eugene appeared to take him seriously just for that split second, even though it was a very vulnerable moment that probably deserved respect. More than anything, though, he just sounded startled.]
I ain't livin' with you, Eugene, don't matter how comfortable it'd be. I didn't come here to ruin your reputation.
[It seemed as though he wasn't all that concerned about his own.]
[Eugene frowned not because of the statement but the reference to reputation.]
If you lived in Mobile... [He tried to clarify to move away from the idea that Snafu was clearly scoffing at that Eugene actually hadn't been thinking about directly but when Snafu made that connection he felt a twinge in his heart at it being turned on him.]
I don't have much of a reputation anymore. [It was true enough. He didn't like going into public much. Loud noises, crowds, it was uncomfortable he barely left the safety of the yard in front of his home.] I just meant... if you're here, in Mobile, then... you're here.
[It didn't make sense but nothing really made sense anymore and Eugene was starting to feel all the mixed emotions and everything that came with seeing Snafu again hitting him harder than the anger had.]
[Lord, but he was sweet sometimes. So goddamn earnest that Snafu didn't know how they could stand one another, they were such complete opposites. How had they even become close? Sheer bullheaded persistence on his own part, but how had Eugene ever warmed to him in turn?]
Then I'm here. [He agreed softly, his voice wavering and something breaking apart and shattering behind his eyes.] It's so fuckin' good to see you again, Eugene...
[Eugene nodded. Here. The word echoed in his ears as he stared at Snafu, watching his expression change with his voice.]
Snaf... [Whatever he was going to say trailed off as he closed the distance and gave Snafu a hug whether he wanted it or not, Eugene did.] Don't leave again.. promise... [No matter the circumstances he wanted to keep Snafu from running away from him without a word again, running away from everything. He wanted to tie him to this place in a way that he wasn't sure Snafu had ever been tied to a place before.
[If asked directly, Snafu would've told Eugene to fuck off with his hugs; when faced with the direct action, he clung to Eugene like a life raft in a stormy ocean, his whole body trembling. Never mind being tied to someone or someplace, he hadn't even gotten that kind of frank physical affection much in his life. Sex, sure, but it was a whole other matter: this was both innocent and so much deeper, and it made Snafu's heart wrench painfully in his chest.
When he pulled back, he found he couldn't quite let go, and just wound up staring into Eugene's dark eyes for several long, breathless seconds. Then his own eyes darted back and forth, up and down, trying to take in as much of Eugene's face as he could without blinking. Put together a composite in his mind of all the pieces at this close angle.
He still hadn't moved. But then Eugene's plea rose back to the forefront of his mind, and he nodded weakly.]
[Snafu was trembling in his arms and Eugene found that both terrifying and reassuring. He held him tight and he found himself not wanting to let go.
His throat was tight, when the other pulled back and he didn't release his arms from around him. Eugene met Snafu's stare, his throat still tight and a part of him was terrified that he wouldn't promise that he'd find some way to make it so he wasn't going to feel responsible to Eugene if he left.
But then he said it. The word was simple but powerful and it hit Eugene all at once. So many things welled up inside of him again too much. His grip got tighter and then slackened until he dropped his head down on the other's shoulders because tears were starting to well from deep inside of him and he didn't want Snafu to see them.]
Hold you to it...[the words were soft but a promise of their own.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 12:50 am (UTC)Fuck off.
[But even as he says it, Eugene is smiling. The punch had sated some of the venom of his anger, seeing Snafu sprawled on his ass made him feel a bit vindicated.]
Why are you here? [A brief pause before he asks what he really wanted to know.] Why didn't you wake me up on the train?
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:12 am (UTC)Why, I just couldn't live another day without seein' your handsome face again. [They were past that, though. When it really mattered, they were past Snafu's stupid jokes, and his knowledge of that fact showed in how quickly his face fell as he climbed to his feet.]
I - Eugene - [He sighed heavily, shoulders rolling forward in the exact opposite of the stance he'd kept up most of the time Eugene had known him - he looked small and defeated, like he could never have played the arrogant king of the world.] - there weren't nothin' left for any of us to say to each other when we got back. We woulda gone from talkin' 'bout what we'd do back home to relivin' that shithole over and over again forever once we actually got there 'cause it's all we had in common.
[It almost sounded like a kindness when he put it that way. Like he'd done it to protect Eugene, not to protect himself.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:27 am (UTC)As he stood, Eugene watched as his body seemed to do the same. The facade he always kept up slipping away and Eugene didn't have to search for the real Shelton. He was right there, plain as day.]
If you think that, why are you here then?
[He knew the answer, at least he thought he did. They were reliving that shithole over and over again but they were doing it alone.]
Waking up and you were gone... it was like you died.
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:36 am (UTC)Don't tell me you forgot the smell of a corpse that quick, he thought, but he couldn't say it. He couldn't work up the strength to keep joking.]
I never thought -
[Well, that was it, wasn't it? He never thought. Not once in the whole time they knew each other.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:47 am (UTC)[It was meant as a joke but there was a softness to the way that Eugene said that betrayed the anger and pain that was still harbored that he was trying not to throw at Snafu. He turned away for a moment, moving back to the desk and sinking into the chair.
He reached for the pipe but then set it down again, looking at Snafu. His chest alternated between an overwhelming ache and feeling hollow. He wasn't sure which one was worse. He wasn't sure why Snafu being here made it all the more intense.]
Why are you here...really? [Eugene asked, his voice tired because if Snafu was here for just a brief visit and then disappearing into oblivion he wasn't sure he could handle it.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:56 am (UTC)But it didn't make things easy on Snafu when shit got hard, and this was about as hard as things had been in a long while. He averted his eyes, lower lip sucked between his teeth as he tried to work out what to say. Even with that additional really, which clearly meant that Eugene wanted the unfiltered truth, Snafu couldn't bear to speak so plainly.]
I don't like lookin' at myself when I'm alone. Not inside or outside. [He didn't like being with himself, the one person he could never escape.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 02:06 am (UTC)Yeah.
[Eugene could understand it in a way, maybe it came to them in different ways but he knew what he meant.]
So you came here. Why me?
[That was a stupid question but it didn't stop Eugene from asking. After all, Snafu could have dropped in on any of the guys.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 02:22 am (UTC)You really gotta ask that? 'Cause you don't know me half as well as I thought if you do. [He had to have known he was special all along. Different, set apart for whatever reason. He had to.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:32 am (UTC)No. [Eugene said quietly but Snafu had still left him without a damned word and that was fresh in his mind still, that moment he woke up alone in a place he didn't know anymore with himself and the only people, the person who'd known him as he was was gone.]
Are you staying in Mobile? [There was a tinge of desperation there like if Snafu said no he might break. He figured maybe they were both just as fragile as the other but as with everything it manifested in different ways. But even with everything it stirred up seeing him there, in the same room with him, suddenly he didn't feel alone and he felt like someone knew him as he was again.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 02:42 am (UTC)Something twisted sharply in his chest at the tone in Eugene's voice when he asked if Snafu was staying. There was never time to acknowledge how they needed one another during the war, and there wasn't really any place for that kind of sentimentality, either; you might exchange a brief look if the other really saved your hide, but that was all you could spare. It sounded strange to hear that need laid so bare in Eugene's voice, and more wonderful than he could've guessed.]
Yeah. 'Least for a few days. Wasn't doin' nothin' back home so there ain't nobody to need me back in a hurry.
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:47 am (UTC)He swallowed hard, forcing a smile.]
Good. Enough time for you to get through all the dames here.
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:07 am (UTC)[It was just as haunting for him to be near Eugene again, really. He could still feel the slippery fabric of Eugene's poncho under his hands as he held him back in the sluicing rain that night they watched one kid lose his mind and another get shot in the most senseless way, and the futility of it all really crashed down on their shoulders. The sensation made him want to grip the shirt Eugene was wearing now, just to be sure they were both really here. They'd both really made it.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:29 am (UTC)He kept looking toward Snafu, as if making sure that he was really here. He wanted to pinch himself, feel the pain and know that this was real but he was sure the other would see him and tease him about it.]
You could stay more than a few days, y'know. If no one's really waiting on you...
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:42 am (UTC)That was the dumbest thought he'd ever had, but he couldn't shake it.]
Like how long?
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:49 am (UTC)He put the glass to his lips draining the contents all too quickly.]
Do you have anything to go back to?
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:11 am (UTC)Nothin'. [It was his turn to look into his glass, swirling it slightly.] But I dunno what I'd make of myself here, neither. What kinda luck'd I have in Mobile if I couldn't make it in New Orleans?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 04:18 am (UTC)[Simple. They were well-respected and any kind of recommendation from his father was likely to carry weight and help.] And then we...
[Silence. The words caught in his throat. What was he trying to say? He set the glass down without taking a sip out of the second round. He looked at Snafu for the answer.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 04:26 am (UTC)Buy a nice house with a white picket fence? [He didn't know either, of course he didn't, so of course he filled the space with a joke.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 04:29 am (UTC)Then neither of us have to be alone with the war inside of us.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 04:32 am (UTC)I ain't livin' with you, Eugene, don't matter how comfortable it'd be. I didn't come here to ruin your reputation.
[It seemed as though he wasn't all that concerned about his own.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:39 am (UTC)If you lived in Mobile... [He tried to clarify to move away from the idea that Snafu was clearly scoffing at that Eugene actually hadn't been thinking about directly but when Snafu made that connection he felt a twinge in his heart at it being turned on him.]
I don't have much of a reputation anymore. [It was true enough. He didn't like going into public much. Loud noises, crowds, it was uncomfortable he barely left the safety of the yard in front of his home.] I just meant... if you're here, in Mobile, then... you're here.
[It didn't make sense but nothing really made sense anymore and Eugene was starting to feel all the mixed emotions and everything that came with seeing Snafu again hitting him harder than the anger had.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:46 am (UTC)Then I'm here. [He agreed softly, his voice wavering and something breaking apart and shattering behind his eyes.] It's so fuckin' good to see you again, Eugene...
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:52 am (UTC)Snaf... [Whatever he was going to say trailed off as he closed the distance and gave Snafu a hug whether he wanted it or not, Eugene did.] Don't leave again.. promise... [No matter the circumstances he wanted to keep Snafu from running away from him without a word again, running away from everything. He wanted to tie him to this place in a way that he wasn't sure Snafu had ever been tied to a place before.
He wanted Snafu to belong to Mobile, with him.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-19 05:01 am (UTC)When he pulled back, he found he couldn't quite let go, and just wound up staring into Eugene's dark eyes for several long, breathless seconds. Then his own eyes darted back and forth, up and down, trying to take in as much of Eugene's face as he could without blinking. Put together a composite in his mind of all the pieces at this close angle.
He still hadn't moved. But then Eugene's plea rose back to the forefront of his mind, and he nodded weakly.]
Promise.
SO MANY FEELINGS
Date: 2016-08-19 05:09 am (UTC)His throat was tight, when the other pulled back and he didn't release his arms from around him. Eugene met Snafu's stare, his throat still tight and a part of him was terrified that he wouldn't promise that he'd find some way to make it so he wasn't going to feel responsible to Eugene if he left.
But then he said it. The word was simple but powerful and it hit Eugene all at once. So many things welled up inside of him again too much. His grip got tighter and then slackened until he dropped his head down on the other's shoulders because tears were starting to well from deep inside of him and he didn't want Snafu to see them.]
Hold you to it...[the words were soft but a promise of their own.]
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