[It was meant as a joke but there was a softness to the way that Eugene said that betrayed the anger and pain that was still harbored that he was trying not to throw at Snafu. He turned away for a moment, moving back to the desk and sinking into the chair.
He reached for the pipe but then set it down again, looking at Snafu. His chest alternated between an overwhelming ache and feeling hollow. He wasn't sure which one was worse. He wasn't sure why Snafu being here made it all the more intense.]
Why are you here...really? [Eugene asked, his voice tired because if Snafu was here for just a brief visit and then disappearing into oblivion he wasn't sure he could handle it.]
[Eugene's humour was so much more subtle, without all the drawl and flourish that made Snafu's so dramatic. Not for the first time, Snafu wondered if his comparatively straightforward nature meant that he had less to hide, or just felt less need to hide it all; either way, he was several rungs up the ladder for it, that was for sure.
But it didn't make things easy on Snafu when shit got hard, and this was about as hard as things had been in a long while. He averted his eyes, lower lip sucked between his teeth as he tried to work out what to say. Even with that additional really, which clearly meant that Eugene wanted the unfiltered truth, Snafu couldn't bear to speak so plainly.]
I don't like lookin' at myself when I'm alone. Not inside or outside. [He didn't like being with himself, the one person he could never escape.]
[There was no joke to be had at that answer. It wasn't everything but it was enough. Eugene could accept that answer. It wasn't another joke or some tall tale. It was Snafu.]
Yeah.
[Eugene could understand it in a way, maybe it came to them in different ways but he knew what he meant.]
So you came here. Why me?
[That was a stupid question but it didn't stop Eugene from asking. After all, Snafu could have dropped in on any of the guys.]
[That question got Snafu laughing again, but it wasn't the cheerful sound from earlier. It was brittle and caustic, annoyed that Eugene would take advantage of his frank honesty in such a moment to ask something so self-serving.]
You really gotta ask that? 'Cause you don't know me half as well as I thought if you do. [He had to have known he was special all along. Different, set apart for whatever reason. He had to.]
[He did feel a hint of guiltiness when he heard that laugh but he didn't take the question back, didn't rephrase.]
No. [Eugene said quietly but Snafu had still left him without a damned word and that was fresh in his mind still, that moment he woke up alone in a place he didn't know anymore with himself and the only people, the person who'd known him as he was was gone.]
Are you staying in Mobile? [There was a tinge of desperation there like if Snafu said no he might break. He figured maybe they were both just as fragile as the other but as with everything it manifested in different ways. But even with everything it stirred up seeing him there, in the same room with him, suddenly he didn't feel alone and he felt like someone knew him as he was again.]
[For a moment, all Snafu could offer in response was a nod, and it was more to himself than Eugene. Yeah, he thought, he'd been right to come here. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was wrong to leave how he did, not yet, because he didn't have all the facts at that point - now, though, it was better for them to be together.
Something twisted sharply in his chest at the tone in Eugene's voice when he asked if Snafu was staying. There was never time to acknowledge how they needed one another during the war, and there wasn't really any place for that kind of sentimentality, either; you might exchange a brief look if the other really saved your hide, but that was all you could spare. It sounded strange to hear that need laid so bare in Eugene's voice, and more wonderful than he could've guessed.]
Yeah. 'Least for a few days. Wasn't doin' nothin' back home so there ain't nobody to need me back in a hurry.
[A few days. Eugene nodded, fingers fiddling with the pipe again. There were words crowding to get out but his throat felt tight, too tight to speak. He stared at Snafu instead, memories and nightmares both crowding into his thoughts as he did.
He swallowed hard, forcing a smile.]
Good. Enough time for you to get through all the dames here.
C'mon now, you ain't really gonna let me near any'a your sweet, small town Southern belles, are ya? [His grin was wolfish and suggestive, as anyone would expect, and the sibilance in his choice of words gave his voice a slightly predatory hiss.] Like lettin' a wolf loose in a sheep pasture.
[It was just as haunting for him to be near Eugene again, really. He could still feel the slippery fabric of Eugene's poncho under his hands as he held him back in the sluicing rain that night they watched one kid lose his mind and another get shot in the most senseless way, and the futility of it all really crashed down on their shoulders. The sensation made him want to grip the shirt Eugene was wearing now, just to be sure they were both really here. They'd both really made it.]
Could I stop you if you wanted to get loose on them? [Eugene asked with a small smile, relaxing just a little bit. He got up again, going to a liquor cabinet that was in the office and pulling out a not too shabby stock of whiskey and two glasses.
He kept looking toward Snafu, as if making sure that he was really here. He wanted to pinch himself, feel the pain and know that this was real but he was sure the other would see him and tease him about it.]
You could stay more than a few days, y'know. If no one's really waiting on you...
[He was about to answer that joke as Eugene handed him the tumbler of whiskey, but the second statement startled him so badly that the planned response slipped right out of his mind. "More than a few days" could mean anything - it could mean a week, or a month. So why did it feel so much like Eugene was suggesting relocation?
That was the dumbest thought he'd ever had, but he couldn't shake it.]
[Eugene stared at his drink and he tried to imagine going back just a few minutes to the world that didn't have Snafu in it again and he felt his heart squeeze painfully. He found himself once again trying to avoid letting Snafu see his expression. They could read each other, see each other and that was a blessing and a curse.
He put the glass to his lips draining the contents all too quickly.]
[By contrast, Snafu hadn't touched his drink yet. He was right about Eugene's offer, and it was huge, and he wasn't sure how to respond. The honest truth was that he didn't have a damn thing to go back to but odd jobs, because he'd never been able to stay in any kind of employment for long. As for friends and loved ones... he'd been driven here to face the shame of how he allowed them to part because he felt so isolated, which said all that he felt needed to be said about that.]
Nothin'. [It was his turn to look into his glass, swirling it slightly.] But I dunno what I'd make of myself here, neither. What kinda luck'd I have in Mobile if I couldn't make it in New Orleans?
[Eugene poured himself another drink and lifted a shoulder.] My family can help there.
[Simple. They were well-respected and any kind of recommendation from his father was likely to carry weight and help.] And then we...
[Silence. The words caught in his throat. What was he trying to say? He set the glass down without taking a sip out of the second round. He looked at Snafu for the answer.]
[Snafu didn't even have time to get caught up in stupid pride over Eugene's suggestion, because the open-ended statement that came next made him so curious. "Then we -" what? Where had that come from? It didn't appear that Snafu would be finding out, because now Eugene was looking to him.]
Buy a nice house with a white picket fence? [He didn't know either, of course he didn't, so of course he filled the space with a joke.]
[He burst out laughing when Eugene appeared to take him seriously just for that split second, even though it was a very vulnerable moment that probably deserved respect. More than anything, though, he just sounded startled.]
I ain't livin' with you, Eugene, don't matter how comfortable it'd be. I didn't come here to ruin your reputation.
[It seemed as though he wasn't all that concerned about his own.]
[Eugene frowned not because of the statement but the reference to reputation.]
If you lived in Mobile... [He tried to clarify to move away from the idea that Snafu was clearly scoffing at that Eugene actually hadn't been thinking about directly but when Snafu made that connection he felt a twinge in his heart at it being turned on him.]
I don't have much of a reputation anymore. [It was true enough. He didn't like going into public much. Loud noises, crowds, it was uncomfortable he barely left the safety of the yard in front of his home.] I just meant... if you're here, in Mobile, then... you're here.
[It didn't make sense but nothing really made sense anymore and Eugene was starting to feel all the mixed emotions and everything that came with seeing Snafu again hitting him harder than the anger had.]
[Lord, but he was sweet sometimes. So goddamn earnest that Snafu didn't know how they could stand one another, they were such complete opposites. How had they even become close? Sheer bullheaded persistence on his own part, but how had Eugene ever warmed to him in turn?]
Then I'm here. [He agreed softly, his voice wavering and something breaking apart and shattering behind his eyes.] It's so fuckin' good to see you again, Eugene...
[Eugene nodded. Here. The word echoed in his ears as he stared at Snafu, watching his expression change with his voice.]
Snaf... [Whatever he was going to say trailed off as he closed the distance and gave Snafu a hug whether he wanted it or not, Eugene did.] Don't leave again.. promise... [No matter the circumstances he wanted to keep Snafu from running away from him without a word again, running away from everything. He wanted to tie him to this place in a way that he wasn't sure Snafu had ever been tied to a place before.
[If asked directly, Snafu would've told Eugene to fuck off with his hugs; when faced with the direct action, he clung to Eugene like a life raft in a stormy ocean, his whole body trembling. Never mind being tied to someone or someplace, he hadn't even gotten that kind of frank physical affection much in his life. Sex, sure, but it was a whole other matter: this was both innocent and so much deeper, and it made Snafu's heart wrench painfully in his chest.
When he pulled back, he found he couldn't quite let go, and just wound up staring into Eugene's dark eyes for several long, breathless seconds. Then his own eyes darted back and forth, up and down, trying to take in as much of Eugene's face as he could without blinking. Put together a composite in his mind of all the pieces at this close angle.
He still hadn't moved. But then Eugene's plea rose back to the forefront of his mind, and he nodded weakly.]
[Snafu was trembling in his arms and Eugene found that both terrifying and reassuring. He held him tight and he found himself not wanting to let go.
His throat was tight, when the other pulled back and he didn't release his arms from around him. Eugene met Snafu's stare, his throat still tight and a part of him was terrified that he wouldn't promise that he'd find some way to make it so he wasn't going to feel responsible to Eugene if he left.
But then he said it. The word was simple but powerful and it hit Eugene all at once. So many things welled up inside of him again too much. His grip got tighter and then slackened until he dropped his head down on the other's shoulders because tears were starting to well from deep inside of him and he didn't want Snafu to see them.]
Hold you to it...[the words were soft but a promise of their own.]
[Nothing tended to pull Snafu out of his own emotions but someone else having it worse, especially if it was someone in whom he had some investment. When one of his boys wasn't just sloppy or stupid but looked like a few screws had come loose, Snafu would reassure him in soft, comforting words. You're okay. You're okay.
And he did that for Eugene now, pulling him close again with an arm around his lower back, the other lifting so that he could comb soothing fingers through Eugene's hair. So soft when it wasn't clotted with mud or worse, so glossy; Snafu might've been envious if he wasn't too taken with the feel of it slipping through his fingers.]
You're okay, Sledge. You always been the most okay outta us, no crackin' up now or we'll be together in the loony bin. And I definitely ain't got nothin' so important goin' on that I can't stick around to make sure that never happens.
[Now he wasn't even sure why his near-compulsive joking had returned. Eugene was just crumpled against him and utterly vulnerable, and it made Snafu ache to comfort him in much less welcome ways. Best to keep stroking his back in brisk circles, stroking his hair more gently, until he calmed down.]
[Eugene forced himself to breathe, sucking in deep breaths. At least this attack of emotion hadn't also come with panic and heaving sobs. It'd just been overwhelming and not particularly all bad. But the release of the fear of losing Snafu again had let the flood gates open a little.]
Oh shut up. [Eugene mumbled from against his shoulders and he didn't want to move because his eyes were still teary and the other's hand felt achingly good in his hair. The hug, the touches this was all innocent enough if no one knew anything more. If no one could see inside of him.
Snafu could see him though, he was sure of that.]
I'm not cracking up. [He said softly, releasing a deep breath, he turned his head to the side, rubbing at his eyes to try and erase the trace of his tears. Pulling back, his eyes moved over Snafu's face, studying him and they were still close, he could practically feel his body heat.]
But now we can make sure neither of us crack up, right? [He smiled, reluctantly moving out from the enclosed space they'd created and reaching for the whiskey. After all, this office was hardly private enough to hold one another for too long, eventually that sort of thing would cause questions.]
You'll stay for dinner, okay? Did you already find some place to stay for the night? We got extra rooms here and my father can help get you settled in town. He'll want to. [Eugene nodded. His father had respect for all servicemen, and he'd see Snafu for more than that brazen attitude.]
Crazy leadin' the crazy to sanity. [Before it could seem like Snafu's statement was too sharply mocking, he grinned and raised his glass.] I'll drink to that.
[Then plans started firing out from nowhere again, family dinners and being put up in this first class home and receiving some kind of personal attention from Eugene's dad - it all sounded smothering, and like a recipe for disaster. Here was a good family full of good people who created an exemplary son, and their new house guest was... Snafu.]
You sure? [His voice sounded as much nervous as incredulous.] I got a place for tonight, yeah, but - livin' here after? They don't know me. And it ain't gonna get any better when they do, know what I mean?
[Eugene nodded, his own glass raised and instead of downing it all at once he took a smaller drink from it and then lowered it again, letting his words be digested, waiting anxiously for the other's response.]
Just... [Eugene exhaled, he always a lot more hopeful than Snafu.] Already sure you can't behave yourself in front of my folks? [He joked, because it was easier, it was easier than wanting to offer ideas or hopes because he knew how Snafu saw them, saw him.]
My Pa probably already told Ma that we had a guest for dinner though. You can't get out of that. Would be really rude, you know?
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:47 am (UTC)[It was meant as a joke but there was a softness to the way that Eugene said that betrayed the anger and pain that was still harbored that he was trying not to throw at Snafu. He turned away for a moment, moving back to the desk and sinking into the chair.
He reached for the pipe but then set it down again, looking at Snafu. His chest alternated between an overwhelming ache and feeling hollow. He wasn't sure which one was worse. He wasn't sure why Snafu being here made it all the more intense.]
Why are you here...really? [Eugene asked, his voice tired because if Snafu was here for just a brief visit and then disappearing into oblivion he wasn't sure he could handle it.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 01:56 am (UTC)But it didn't make things easy on Snafu when shit got hard, and this was about as hard as things had been in a long while. He averted his eyes, lower lip sucked between his teeth as he tried to work out what to say. Even with that additional really, which clearly meant that Eugene wanted the unfiltered truth, Snafu couldn't bear to speak so plainly.]
I don't like lookin' at myself when I'm alone. Not inside or outside. [He didn't like being with himself, the one person he could never escape.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:06 am (UTC)Yeah.
[Eugene could understand it in a way, maybe it came to them in different ways but he knew what he meant.]
So you came here. Why me?
[That was a stupid question but it didn't stop Eugene from asking. After all, Snafu could have dropped in on any of the guys.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:22 am (UTC)You really gotta ask that? 'Cause you don't know me half as well as I thought if you do. [He had to have known he was special all along. Different, set apart for whatever reason. He had to.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:32 am (UTC)No. [Eugene said quietly but Snafu had still left him without a damned word and that was fresh in his mind still, that moment he woke up alone in a place he didn't know anymore with himself and the only people, the person who'd known him as he was was gone.]
Are you staying in Mobile? [There was a tinge of desperation there like if Snafu said no he might break. He figured maybe they were both just as fragile as the other but as with everything it manifested in different ways. But even with everything it stirred up seeing him there, in the same room with him, suddenly he didn't feel alone and he felt like someone knew him as he was again.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:42 am (UTC)Something twisted sharply in his chest at the tone in Eugene's voice when he asked if Snafu was staying. There was never time to acknowledge how they needed one another during the war, and there wasn't really any place for that kind of sentimentality, either; you might exchange a brief look if the other really saved your hide, but that was all you could spare. It sounded strange to hear that need laid so bare in Eugene's voice, and more wonderful than he could've guessed.]
Yeah. 'Least for a few days. Wasn't doin' nothin' back home so there ain't nobody to need me back in a hurry.
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Date: 2016-08-19 02:47 am (UTC)He swallowed hard, forcing a smile.]
Good. Enough time for you to get through all the dames here.
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:07 am (UTC)[It was just as haunting for him to be near Eugene again, really. He could still feel the slippery fabric of Eugene's poncho under his hands as he held him back in the sluicing rain that night they watched one kid lose his mind and another get shot in the most senseless way, and the futility of it all really crashed down on their shoulders. The sensation made him want to grip the shirt Eugene was wearing now, just to be sure they were both really here. They'd both really made it.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:29 am (UTC)He kept looking toward Snafu, as if making sure that he was really here. He wanted to pinch himself, feel the pain and know that this was real but he was sure the other would see him and tease him about it.]
You could stay more than a few days, y'know. If no one's really waiting on you...
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:42 am (UTC)That was the dumbest thought he'd ever had, but he couldn't shake it.]
Like how long?
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Date: 2016-08-19 03:49 am (UTC)He put the glass to his lips draining the contents all too quickly.]
Do you have anything to go back to?
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:11 am (UTC)Nothin'. [It was his turn to look into his glass, swirling it slightly.] But I dunno what I'd make of myself here, neither. What kinda luck'd I have in Mobile if I couldn't make it in New Orleans?
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:18 am (UTC)[Simple. They were well-respected and any kind of recommendation from his father was likely to carry weight and help.] And then we...
[Silence. The words caught in his throat. What was he trying to say? He set the glass down without taking a sip out of the second round. He looked at Snafu for the answer.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:26 am (UTC)Buy a nice house with a white picket fence? [He didn't know either, of course he didn't, so of course he filled the space with a joke.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:29 am (UTC)Then neither of us have to be alone with the war inside of us.
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:32 am (UTC)I ain't livin' with you, Eugene, don't matter how comfortable it'd be. I didn't come here to ruin your reputation.
[It seemed as though he wasn't all that concerned about his own.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:39 am (UTC)If you lived in Mobile... [He tried to clarify to move away from the idea that Snafu was clearly scoffing at that Eugene actually hadn't been thinking about directly but when Snafu made that connection he felt a twinge in his heart at it being turned on him.]
I don't have much of a reputation anymore. [It was true enough. He didn't like going into public much. Loud noises, crowds, it was uncomfortable he barely left the safety of the yard in front of his home.] I just meant... if you're here, in Mobile, then... you're here.
[It didn't make sense but nothing really made sense anymore and Eugene was starting to feel all the mixed emotions and everything that came with seeing Snafu again hitting him harder than the anger had.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:46 am (UTC)Then I'm here. [He agreed softly, his voice wavering and something breaking apart and shattering behind his eyes.] It's so fuckin' good to see you again, Eugene...
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Date: 2016-08-19 04:52 am (UTC)Snaf... [Whatever he was going to say trailed off as he closed the distance and gave Snafu a hug whether he wanted it or not, Eugene did.] Don't leave again.. promise... [No matter the circumstances he wanted to keep Snafu from running away from him without a word again, running away from everything. He wanted to tie him to this place in a way that he wasn't sure Snafu had ever been tied to a place before.
He wanted Snafu to belong to Mobile, with him.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 05:01 am (UTC)When he pulled back, he found he couldn't quite let go, and just wound up staring into Eugene's dark eyes for several long, breathless seconds. Then his own eyes darted back and forth, up and down, trying to take in as much of Eugene's face as he could without blinking. Put together a composite in his mind of all the pieces at this close angle.
He still hadn't moved. But then Eugene's plea rose back to the forefront of his mind, and he nodded weakly.]
Promise.
SO MANY FEELINGS
Date: 2016-08-19 05:09 am (UTC)His throat was tight, when the other pulled back and he didn't release his arms from around him. Eugene met Snafu's stare, his throat still tight and a part of him was terrified that he wouldn't promise that he'd find some way to make it so he wasn't going to feel responsible to Eugene if he left.
But then he said it. The word was simple but powerful and it hit Eugene all at once. So many things welled up inside of him again too much. His grip got tighter and then slackened until he dropped his head down on the other's shoulders because tears were starting to well from deep inside of him and he didn't want Snafu to see them.]
Hold you to it...[the words were soft but a promise of their own.]
=
Date: 2016-08-19 05:20 am (UTC)[Nothing tended to pull Snafu out of his own emotions but someone else having it worse, especially if it was someone in whom he had some investment. When one of his boys wasn't just sloppy or stupid but looked like a few screws had come loose, Snafu would reassure him in soft, comforting words. You're okay. You're okay.
And he did that for Eugene now, pulling him close again with an arm around his lower back, the other lifting so that he could comb soothing fingers through Eugene's hair. So soft when it wasn't clotted with mud or worse, so glossy; Snafu might've been envious if he wasn't too taken with the feel of it slipping through his fingers.]
You're okay, Sledge. You always been the most okay outta us, no crackin' up now or we'll be together in the loony bin. And I definitely ain't got nothin' so important goin' on that I can't stick around to make sure that never happens.
[Now he wasn't even sure why his near-compulsive joking had returned. Eugene was just crumpled against him and utterly vulnerable, and it made Snafu ache to comfort him in much less welcome ways. Best to keep stroking his back in brisk circles, stroking his hair more gently, until he calmed down.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 05:29 am (UTC)Oh shut up. [Eugene mumbled from against his shoulders and he didn't want to move because his eyes were still teary and the other's hand felt achingly good in his hair. The hug, the touches this was all innocent enough if no one knew anything more. If no one could see inside of him.
Snafu could see him though, he was sure of that.]
I'm not cracking up. [He said softly, releasing a deep breath, he turned his head to the side, rubbing at his eyes to try and erase the trace of his tears. Pulling back, his eyes moved over Snafu's face, studying him and they were still close, he could practically feel his body heat.]
But now we can make sure neither of us crack up, right? [He smiled, reluctantly moving out from the enclosed space they'd created and reaching for the whiskey. After all, this office was hardly private enough to hold one another for too long, eventually that sort of thing would cause questions.]
You'll stay for dinner, okay? Did you already find some place to stay for the night? We got extra rooms here and my father can help get you settled in town. He'll want to. [Eugene nodded. His father had respect for all servicemen, and he'd see Snafu for more than that brazen attitude.]
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Date: 2016-08-19 05:49 am (UTC)[Then plans started firing out from nowhere again, family dinners and being put up in this first class home and receiving some kind of personal attention from Eugene's dad - it all sounded smothering, and like a recipe for disaster. Here was a good family full of good people who created an exemplary son, and their new house guest was... Snafu.]
You sure? [His voice sounded as much nervous as incredulous.] I got a place for tonight, yeah, but - livin' here after? They don't know me. And it ain't gonna get any better when they do, know what I mean?
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Date: 2016-08-19 05:56 am (UTC)Just... [Eugene exhaled, he always a lot more hopeful than Snafu.] Already sure you can't behave yourself in front of my folks? [He joked, because it was easier, it was easier than wanting to offer ideas or hopes because he knew how Snafu saw them, saw him.]
My Pa probably already told Ma that we had a guest for dinner though. You can't get out of that. Would be really rude, you know?
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