I don't think he wants to be found. I doubt I'm going to be able to. [Sledge shook his head, taking a few more drinks of the beer.]
I never in a million years thought he would just disappear without a word, you know? [He'd never really talked about Merriell to anyone before but it was just as much the ghost of Merriell as the ghost of the war that kept him awake at night. One was just more understandable to people.]
If he don't want you to, you won't. [Roe agreed with that easily enough, although without quite the same even, placid tone as he'd said everything else. The true message in what he was saying was that Merriell had a way of getting exactly what he wanted, Sledge was right about that, and he often didn't concern himself with anyone else's desires. But that would be too cruel to say outright.
At the question, he shook his head and turned his gaze back to Sledge.]
I ain't heard from him since just before he left for training. [Lips pressed together pensively for a moment, he ashed his cigarette before continuing.] Always got the feeling from him that he was better at doin' things than talkin' about 'em, and that meant no goodbyes. Better just to get gone.
[Sledge sighed. It felt final to hear another that knew Merriell -- for longer even than he had -- say that. Sledge just just accept it was over and that what had happened in the war didn't mean anything to Merriell over here, he didn't need Sledge anymore. That thought train resulted in an ache that made his throat tighten and if he wasn't careful he'd end up sitting at this stranger's table crying.]
Sounds about right, I guess. [Sledge forced a smile before his eyes returned to the beer which was an easier subject to look at than Roe. He felt like Roe could see him a lot more clearly than he'd have wished in this situation.
He wished he could change the subject but what else did they have to talk about when Merriell was the whole reason he was there in the first place?]
[Roe was still watching Sledge as he turned away, could see the way his Adam's apple bobbed with the working of his throat, and he knew his suspicions were correct. That fact only stirred up the same, familar ache in his own chest, except all the more acute for knowing that he'd been replaced as well as left behind - so why had he ever decided to play sleuth on this matter in the first place? Why not leave well enough alone?
Because Sledge was in his home, had come to him even if only for practical information on Merriell, not emotional support: now that he was here, the reasons were immaterial. Roe was in a position to offer comfort and so he would.
(The fact that Sledge was a tall, slender redhead with fine features and dark eyes that couldn't quite hide his true emotions seemed a bit unfair to Roe, although he refused to sink into self-pity over it. It was an extremely surface resemblance, much more in the details than the sum total. Acknowledging it felt like looking for reasons to nurse his wounds instead of mending those of another.)]
It was serious. [A statement, so that Sledge didn't have to answer if he didn't want to, or could deny more easily if he chose that path.] You and him. If he's runnin', that don't make it a lie, that proves it.
[Now that he'd laid such a powerful hand on the table between them in so few words, he felt it most considerate to stand up and check on the casserole (despite so little time having passed) rather than staying there, too physically close and emotionally distant for Sledge to feel like opening up at all.]
[The words hit Sledge hard. No one had ever known, even when it was right under their noses -- at least he had told himself that there was no way that anyone could ever guess. And he hadn't said or done anything to give himself away had he? That Roe could have made a lucky guess seemed unlikely as well.
Which left the possibility he'd been avoiding out in the open. He bit down on his lip as if the slight pain would break him out of this but it didn't. It was all too real.]
Needs a bit longer. [The casserole. Of course it did. But with that determined, he closed the oven and leaned one hip against the kitchen counter, watching Sledge carefully. This time there wasn't much to read from him, so Roe wasn't sure if he'd picked up on everything implied in the statement, but he seemed smart as a whip so far. Even his accent had an educated polish for the region, the effect more in absence rather than presence of certain sounds, a uniformity of speech that set his voice above the open drawl or twang of the Deep South.
He couldn't just observe Sledge forever, though. He'd opened this topic, and he had to carry on. This was like an infection in a closed wound: Sledge would lose far more of his spirit to the poison if Roe didn't reopen it and clean it.]
I seen him with a fair number of people in ten years. He let 'em know when he just weren't interested, and he weren't nice about it. Don't sound like that's how it went with you.
[Sledge took in the information and Christ it all hurt. He felt like every fiber of his body hurt all the way to the intangible soul of himself. It was a grief that he didn't think was possible to feel for someone who wasn't even fucking dead.
Would it have been easier if Snafu had died? If he'd seen him die? Would it have been easier to be left in some horribly mean way? The leaving without a word was cruel and he couldn't imagine that Merriell could have said or done anything that could have felt worse than this. Simply abandoned without a word.
Roe was pulling all these thoughts into the forefront when he'd done everything possible to suppress them because he didn't know if he had the strength to deal with them in the light of day.
Now that they were pulled out he was sure he didn't. God really must have abandoned him in the Hell of the Pacific. ]
[Just as Roe thought. Merriell panicked, same as he did when he was meant to see Roe before leaving Louisiana. Not coming back here probably wasn't just a gesture to shake off Sledge if he came looking, given how complicated things must have appeared to him at that point - a thought that made Roe need to press his lips together tightly for a moment before he could say more.]
Then he probably loves you. [Roe's voice was barely above a whisper, and he didn't approach Sledge at all physically, but his expression was one of reaching out rather than closing off. He didn't want to hate this man over all of this when neither of them had anything the other didn't, not now.]
It's alright, Sledge. Do what you need. I can leave you alone for a bit if you like.
I don't know if that makes it better or worse. [Sledge couldn't help the sharp laugh that followed the words, though it sounded anything but happy. It was the kind of laugh that was distinctly made by someone trying not to cry. It wasn't one of the panic attacks that he would get at the idea of shooting game when he was with his father. It was an entirely different sort.
But he wasn't going to cry. Not here, not in a strangers house no matter how understanding and kind the stranger was. He counted to ten and then did it again staring at the bottle and willing down the emotions that were clawing to get out from the way he held them inside so carefully.]
[Only once Sledge had clearly pulled himself back together did Roe move to sit across from him again, shaking out another cigarette for himself and thinking - with another tiny twinge of pain - that he was smoking how Merriell used to, practically lighting one off the end of another.]
Both, I think. It ain't easy to be punished for somethin' you did right, but still better than doin' it wrong. 'Least that's how it felt for me.
[And there it was, finally in the open air and explicitly stated. He didn't even really intend to get that personal at first, but it naturally followed the rest of what he'd said, and he felt a bit odd telling Sledge so much about his situation without explaining that he knew through personal experience rather than just as a witness.
But that was bound to hurt him as well. There was no avoiding pain in this situation. The best he could do was hold the pack out to Sledge, realizing belatedly that he hadn't the first time.]
[Sledge didn't feel any worse after it was confirmed. He'd already been relatively sure but now the words were out there as well. He sighed, reluctant to say anything just yet. They'd both been wounded by the same man and left to deal with it afterwards.
And here they were finding each other. That'd been because of Merriell too -- Merriell talking about Roe. Was Merriell going to talk about him to some other next? If he did, Sledge hoped he never knew.
He hadn't brought his pipe with him while he was out and so he reached to take a cigarette without much of an answer to the question. It was enough of one.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 08:52 pm (UTC)I never in a million years thought he would just disappear without a word, you know? [He'd never really talked about Merriell to anyone before but it was just as much the ghost of Merriell as the ghost of the war that kept him awake at night. One was just more understandable to people.]
You didn't even know if he made it back, huh?
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 09:12 pm (UTC)At the question, he shook his head and turned his gaze back to Sledge.]
I ain't heard from him since just before he left for training. [Lips pressed together pensively for a moment, he ashed his cigarette before continuing.] Always got the feeling from him that he was better at doin' things than talkin' about 'em, and that meant no goodbyes. Better just to get gone.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-04 12:50 am (UTC)Sounds about right, I guess. [Sledge forced a smile before his eyes returned to the beer which was an easier subject to look at than Roe. He felt like Roe could see him a lot more clearly than he'd have wished in this situation.
He wished he could change the subject but what else did they have to talk about when Merriell was the whole reason he was there in the first place?]
no subject
Date: 2016-10-04 02:39 am (UTC)Because Sledge was in his home, had come to him even if only for practical information on Merriell, not emotional support: now that he was here, the reasons were immaterial. Roe was in a position to offer comfort and so he would.
(The fact that Sledge was a tall, slender redhead with fine features and dark eyes that couldn't quite hide his true emotions seemed a bit unfair to Roe, although he refused to sink into self-pity over it. It was an extremely surface resemblance, much more in the details than the sum total. Acknowledging it felt like looking for reasons to nurse his wounds instead of mending those of another.)]
It was serious. [A statement, so that Sledge didn't have to answer if he didn't want to, or could deny more easily if he chose that path.] You and him. If he's runnin', that don't make it a lie, that proves it.
[Now that he'd laid such a powerful hand on the table between them in so few words, he felt it most considerate to stand up and check on the casserole (despite so little time having passed) rather than staying there, too physically close and emotionally distant for Sledge to feel like opening up at all.]
no subject
Date: 2016-10-04 04:43 am (UTC)Which left the possibility he'd been avoiding out in the open. He bit down on his lip as if the slight pain would break him out of this but it didn't. It was all too real.]
How do you figure?
[There was no point in denying it.]
no subject
Date: 2016-10-04 06:15 pm (UTC)He couldn't just observe Sledge forever, though. He'd opened this topic, and he had to carry on. This was like an infection in a closed wound: Sledge would lose far more of his spirit to the poison if Roe didn't reopen it and clean it.]
I seen him with a fair number of people in ten years. He let 'em know when he just weren't interested, and he weren't nice about it. Don't sound like that's how it went with you.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-04 09:19 pm (UTC)Would it have been easier if Snafu had died? If he'd seen him die? Would it have been easier to be left in some horribly mean way? The leaving without a word was cruel and he couldn't imagine that Merriell could have said or done anything that could have felt worse than this. Simply abandoned without a word.
Roe was pulling all these thoughts into the forefront when he'd done everything possible to suppress them because he didn't know if he had the strength to deal with them in the light of day.
Now that they were pulled out he was sure he didn't. God really must have abandoned him in the Hell of the Pacific. ]
He was normal and then he was gone.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-04 11:48 pm (UTC)Then he probably loves you. [Roe's voice was barely above a whisper, and he didn't approach Sledge at all physically, but his expression was one of reaching out rather than closing off. He didn't want to hate this man over all of this when neither of them had anything the other didn't, not now.]
It's alright, Sledge. Do what you need. I can leave you alone for a bit if you like.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-05 03:15 am (UTC)But he wasn't going to cry. Not here, not in a strangers house no matter how understanding and kind the stranger was. He counted to ten and then did it again staring at the bottle and willing down the emotions that were clawing to get out from the way he held them inside so carefully.]
You're fine. [He finally said, shaking his head.]
no subject
Date: 2016-10-05 06:14 am (UTC)Both, I think. It ain't easy to be punished for somethin' you did right, but still better than doin' it wrong. 'Least that's how it felt for me.
[And there it was, finally in the open air and explicitly stated. He didn't even really intend to get that personal at first, but it naturally followed the rest of what he'd said, and he felt a bit odd telling Sledge so much about his situation without explaining that he knew through personal experience rather than just as a witness.
But that was bound to hurt him as well. There was no avoiding pain in this situation. The best he could do was hold the pack out to Sledge, realizing belatedly that he hadn't the first time.]
Sorry, you smoke?
no subject
Date: 2016-10-06 03:11 am (UTC)And here they were finding each other. That'd been because of Merriell too -- Merriell talking about Roe. Was Merriell going to talk about him to some other next? If he did, Sledge hoped he never knew.
He hadn't brought his pipe with him while he was out and so he reached to take a cigarette without much of an answer to the question. It was enough of one.]
Picked up a few bad habits in the war, I suppose.