Sir. [Eugene echoed when the other reminded him and he wasn't sure why it was grounding. It should've been humiliating, it was humiliating but he clung to it all the same like it was a lifeline.
He'd spend so much of his life denying himself being with a man, touching another man, kissing much less experiencing one's mouth in other ways and certainly he had never thought that he'd ever let another man fuck him but they were there and Merriell was deep inside of him. Eugene had let that happen, he could argue that he'd been coerced but he'd been given an out more than enough times and he hadn't wanted to take it.
The other's fingers in his hair helped him relax whether that was what they were meaning to do, just a little. Each movement of Merriell's cock threatened to cause him to tense again but the hum of pleasure his body was feeling from being jerked off kept it from being overwhelming. Was Merriell doing that on purpose? He had to be. Why?]
Sir..How did you know I was... [gay? There were words that he'd use to describe himself in the self loathing that he had instead but he settled for that mentally and even so didn't say it out loud.] How do you know I'm up to it or that it'd be worth it?
[Everything that wasn't deliberate about Merriell's movements was still instinctually geared to making this easier, as much as he'd come on like he wanted to fuck Eugene hard and bloody when it all started. Something rougher and more impetuous, or at least less deliberate, would've been the perfect cap on the scene, but only for him. And this wasn't entirely about him.
With Eugene's face still turned to one side so that his head could be pressed hard to the desk's surface, it was possible for him to see Merriell's expression, and Merriell sort of wished that wasn't true; the place where Eugene paused made it all too clear what he'd meant to say, and the readjustment of words didn't help much with how raw the question was. Something more challenging could've been joked off, but not this.]
Your eyes're too honest. [Merriell was actually trying to smile, but his expression ended up strangely apologetic in spite of that, because he knew his response was jut as raw. Not wanting to give up anymore, he finally released his grip on Eugene's head and pulled him up flush against his chest instead, picking up the pace of his thrusts and the steady jerking of his hand. Both hands being occupied, he grabbed the tie and tugged it looser with his teeth so that he could kiss and lick at Eugene's neck, his tongue once again soothing where the skin was chafed.]
[Eugene looked at him from his spot pinned on the desk, there wasn't a lot of movement he could do in this position at least without hurting himself further. He regretted asking the question as soon as it was out but he couldn't look away from Merriell even though it made the fact that he was inside of him even more real.
The answer was... not what'd he'd expected. Any other answer might have been able to be brushed off but his eyes it made it uncomfortably real and honest. He swallowed parting his lips to say something, anything but Merriell didn't really give him much of a chance.
With his head free he didn't have to look at Merriell and wonder about that... whatever it was that he'd seen on his face or whatever it was that it made him feel. He could ignore it, close his eyes as his back pressed against the other's chest.
The thrusts inside of him started to feel good. It was subtle and maybe it was just because the way the other was stroking him was pushing him closer and closer to his orgasm.]
Fuck. [He cursed, biting back a moan when the other's mouth turned it's attention to his neck. Even with all the other sensations the way his tongue felt against the sore skin sent a skittering of pleasure throughout him despite all logic. He couldn't touch him. It's not that his hands were restrained but that he couldn't let go enough to reach up or reach back but god he wanted to but it would be less that this was done to him and more prominent in his mind that he was an active participant -- and he was -- but he could fool himself like this.]
Sir, I'm close. [He whispered, his hips pressing toward the other's hand.]
[Merriell could feel that Eugene was close in the way his hips were jerking back and forth, caught between thrusts and strokes that must have made him feel as though he were trapped in a vise of sensation, so his declaration didn't come as too much of a surprise. For a moment, Merriell entertained the idea of withholding Eugene's orgasm to make the eventual climax even more powerful, but the strange emotional energy that had settled around them made that unwise. This had become much more than a fantasy or an act.
Besides, Merriell was getting close too, certainly close enough that he wouldn't take much longer once he'd experienced the sights and sounds of Eugene coming from his first time with a man. He could've held out under different circumstances, changed his pace or distracted himself to draw it out longer, but - again, he didn't trust Eugene not to crumble in the middle of the act anymore. And that wasn't what he was meant to take from it whatsoever.]
Good. You earned this. [The whisper against Eugene's ear was less seductive this time, more a kind of gentle support.] Go on, Eugene. Show me how good I made you feel.
[The way Merriell whispered in his ear was different than any of the previous whispers or words they'd exchanged. It made him feel secure and anchored to him -- that he didn't know if he liked or not.
But he couldn't hold back anymore, the words urging just as much as Merriell's voice. As his orgasm hit, his muscles tensed, spasming around the other as he came over Merriell's hand and thank god his mind was blanked out and he couldn't think of the mess that might be on his desk or the floor... or both.
His teeth had pressed down against his already split lip to muffle the moan of pleasure. The climax had been far more intense than anything he'd felt before and he couldn't seem to focus on anything at all, no words no feelings just the pleasure that was still firing through his body though less intense.]
[Oh god, it was good. Again, Merriell could just feel that it was good in how Eugene's body responded, the complete lack of restraint and the shudders that kept hitting him again and again. His grip careful and mindful so that he wouldn't overstimulate Eugene's cock and push him into too much pain, he drew every possible second of pleasure out of his orgasm, then grabbed him by both hips and slammed into him just a handful of times before coming himself.
His reaction was not as massive as Eugene's, of course, but he did bury his face in the man's neck to stifle the sounds he was longing to release. As he slowly regained his breath, he shifted his hands once more to cradle Eugene's body against his, supporting him in the event that any part of his legs should go weak.
This was it, then. The part that he could hide in was done. Now he'd get to face the reality, and Merriell didn't feel like he could just walk away for that and say it was his to work out for himself. Face now pressed against his hair, Merriell waited quietly.]
[After the orgasm, the pleasure left a haze on him that carried him through the rest of the act, more vaguely aware of Merriell finishing inside of him. He could think more clearly as he left his weight toward the desk, breathing heavy.
He could the other pressed against the back of his hair and he closed his eyes tightly the reality of what had just happened rushing in and god. What had he done? He sucked in his bottom lip, feeling it bleeding again for a few seconds as he tried to find words anything aside from the shame and flood of emotions that came with realizing what he had repressed for so long had been forced to the surface like this.
There was no doubt that he'd been willing and that he hadn't enjoyed a good deal of it but he'd let the other take him and he could just hear the comments about that in his head that people could make. What was worse was the feeling that he'd betrayed everything he'd always held himself accountable for, broken every standard and spit in God's face.]
You're done right? [he forced the words out, thicker than he would have wanted but he needed him to go before he fell apart because he was sure that he would.]
That was fucking cold. Even if he could tell from the sound of Eugene's voice that the words were meant to cover rather than convey emotion, it was still cold enough to shock him because they turned the situation around and took it at face value. Suddenly Merriell had to re-evaluate everything he'd done to be sure, at least in his own mind, that he hadn't misjudged any of Eugene's cues.
But he hadn't. He knew that. Still, did that mean he'd had any right to push the envelope like this and force Eugene into an epiphany?
The whole situation was fucking with him way more than he'd ever imagined, but he just ignored the cacophony in his head as he released his hold on Eugene and pulled out, stepping back and pulling up his pants.]
Yeah. I'm done. [His words were equally cold, but he didn't sound any more convincing than Eugene had, especially when he followed that with:] You okay?
[Eugene winced as the other pulled out, feeling shaky though he couldn't tell why as he pushed himself up, making a quick move to get his pants back on and cover the shame and evidence of what had passed between them.
Was he okay?
No.]
Yeah.
[But he didn't look at Merriell as he tried to straighten up his appearance, deep breaths to keep calm. Would everyone in the office realize what had just happened? Would everyone be able to see right through him and know he what he was? He'd never been honest with himself and the rapid shot from 0 to 100 had him reeling.]
[As he watched Eugene try to get himself back to how he'd looked before any of this happened, Merriell suddenly found that he could see all of the little discolorations he'd inflicted or caused with disturbing clarity. The red, raw half-circle around the front of Eugene's neck, which was the hardest to explain but, thankfully, disappeared once he'd straightened his collar and tie. The bruise blossoming across his cheekbone. The split lip.
Was it because Eugene's skin was so fair and flawless, or was this guilt creeping in? Did he really look like a Walking Dead extra in anyone's eyes but Merriell's?]
Looks like you got in a fistfight. Probably ain't that regular working in an office but I doubt it's unheard of, neither.
[Why was Merriell still there? To taunt him? Eugene didn't really understand it but even after everything he couldn't find himself to be as rude as he wanted to be. He finished straightening himself and then set to work on making sure the same was done for his desk, not answering the other straight away.]
Why are you still here? You got what you wanted, didn't you?
[He finally spoke, finally turning his eyes to Merriell. He couldn't explain how he felt, equal parts confused and angry and something else. There had been something to Merriell that had felt more than right and that there was that voice inside saying he wanted more but he couldn't accept that.
And with the way that he looked he was going to have to wait until well into the evening to leave so that no one would see him.
He could have fired him, even used the fist fight explanation but he didn't.]
Don't do that. Don't fucking do that. [He was still here because he didn't think Eugene was okay at all and that mattered to him, which meant that he shouldn't turn on a dime at any of those harsh words and let himself get angry.
It sure got too late for that in a hurry. But he was not going to stand here and be treated like he'd taken advantage when he'd given Eugene lots of chances to stop what they'd done.]
[Eugene rubbed his face because he'd only been saying the things he was to try and get Merriell to leave and he was still fucking there with seemingly no intention to leave Eugene alone to sort this all out for himself.]
Do you think it's been easy to live right and do all the right things when I know deep inside what I am? And you just come in here and ... That's what you wanted, right? To see me give in to you, for you to feel proven right? Guess we'll both go to hell now.
[There was little anger actually meant for Merriell, more so self-loathing that seeped into his words. He sat in his chair again, closing his eyes because sitting just now was a reminder of what had just happened. He pressed his fingers to his temple.] Isn't that enough for you? Why you still here, Merriell Shelton?
No. [His voice was quiet, and he finally, finally sounded chastised.] No, that ain't what I wanted.
[He'd been an idiot to treat this like a game when it started, especially for thinking that it'd be easy for Eugene to shed whatever kept him from being honest about himself. Repressed, that's how he'd always thought of his boss, but freedom wasn't always as easy as just stepping out of a cage you made for yourself.
Hell, it never was. Just because he'd done it earlier hadn't made it any easier for him.
He stayed at a distance while Eugene moved away from him but still didn't leave, so overwhelmed by the force of what he'd said that he was unable to find any response.]
I'm still here 'cause - what you been doin', that ain't livin' right, but I didn't think - [He swallowed hard and looked away. At least he'd found a few words.]
Edited (JUST REALIZED HOURS LATER THAT I MISSED PART OF THE TAG) Date: 2016-09-25 09:46 am (UTC)
[Eugene didn't really want to be in the office anymore. He wanted to go home and take a long shower and try to... well he really wasn't sure anymore. He wasn't sure of anything except that this had turned a part of his life upside down.]
What do you even know about me that makes you think you can say that? [He frowned.]
I don't know you. [God, Eugene was really right. He should just fucking leave, but this was his disaster and he had to do something about the fallout.
How did he never realize until now that he wasn't just attracted to his boss, but really liked him? The little he knew, anyway, and the hints of personality that came through despite all his attempts to be perfectly professional: just the fact that he couldn't keep them from sneaking through was so endearing.
He turned away and scrubbed a hand over his face, then ran it over his hair. His movements were usually smooth and fluid, with the same particular sort of easy grace as a cat, which made his physical agitation so that much more plainly.]
I just know you can't hide nothing inside you forever, not when it's part of who you are. It's like... [Turning slightly, he looked at Eugene with unusual softness.] ... s'like how you talk smart enough to fit in with a big office and a nice suit, and real fast like them 'cause there's always somewhere more important you gotta be, but you ain't never gonna be nothin' but a Southern boy who learned some tricks for the Yanks. Can't get that outta your blood, and you can't get this out, neither.
[Eugene watched Merriell's movements, so different from when he had strode into the room like he owned the place. And the words were also something unexpected but still so utterly frustrating.
It was true enough about the Southern thing and he knew at the end of the day he was always a country boy masquerading in the city but that wasn't a big lie. That wasn't a big hidden secret. He wasn't ashamed of where he came from.
His sexuality was something that he had planned to take to his grave. He was going to find a nice wife even and just settle down. But now it'd been dragged out into the open right in front of his eyes which made it harder to deny and lie to himself.]
I wasn't ever going to do anything about it. It ain't right.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-09-19 04:05 am (UTC)He'd spend so much of his life denying himself being with a man, touching another man, kissing much less experiencing one's mouth in other ways and certainly he had never thought that he'd ever let another man fuck him but they were there and Merriell was deep inside of him. Eugene had let that happen, he could argue that he'd been coerced but he'd been given an out more than enough times and he hadn't wanted to take it.
The other's fingers in his hair helped him relax whether that was what they were meaning to do, just a little. Each movement of Merriell's cock threatened to cause him to tense again but the hum of pleasure his body was feeling from being jerked off kept it from being overwhelming. Was Merriell doing that on purpose? He had to be. Why?]
Sir..How did you know I was... [gay? There were words that he'd use to describe himself in the self loathing that he had instead but he settled for that mentally and even so didn't say it out loud.] How do you know I'm up to it or that it'd be worth it?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-19 04:24 am (UTC)With Eugene's face still turned to one side so that his head could be pressed hard to the desk's surface, it was possible for him to see Merriell's expression, and Merriell sort of wished that wasn't true; the place where Eugene paused made it all too clear what he'd meant to say, and the readjustment of words didn't help much with how raw the question was. Something more challenging could've been joked off, but not this.]
Your eyes're too honest. [Merriell was actually trying to smile, but his expression ended up strangely apologetic in spite of that, because he knew his response was jut as raw. Not wanting to give up anymore, he finally released his grip on Eugene's head and pulled him up flush against his chest instead, picking up the pace of his thrusts and the steady jerking of his hand. Both hands being occupied, he grabbed the tie and tugged it looser with his teeth so that he could kiss and lick at Eugene's neck, his tongue once again soothing where the skin was chafed.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-19 05:12 am (UTC)The answer was... not what'd he'd expected. Any other answer might have been able to be brushed off but his eyes it made it uncomfortably real and honest. He swallowed parting his lips to say something, anything but Merriell didn't really give him much of a chance.
With his head free he didn't have to look at Merriell and wonder about that... whatever it was that he'd seen on his face or whatever it was that it made him feel. He could ignore it, close his eyes as his back pressed against the other's chest.
The thrusts inside of him started to feel good. It was subtle and maybe it was just because the way the other was stroking him was pushing him closer and closer to his orgasm.]
Fuck. [He cursed, biting back a moan when the other's mouth turned it's attention to his neck. Even with all the other sensations the way his tongue felt against the sore skin sent a skittering of pleasure throughout him despite all logic. He couldn't touch him. It's not that his hands were restrained but that he couldn't let go enough to reach up or reach back but god he wanted to but it would be less that this was done to him and more prominent in his mind that he was an active participant -- and he was -- but he could fool himself like this.]
Sir, I'm close. [He whispered, his hips pressing toward the other's hand.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-20 06:56 pm (UTC)Besides, Merriell was getting close too, certainly close enough that he wouldn't take much longer once he'd experienced the sights and sounds of Eugene coming from his first time with a man. He could've held out under different circumstances, changed his pace or distracted himself to draw it out longer, but - again, he didn't trust Eugene not to crumble in the middle of the act anymore. And that wasn't what he was meant to take from it whatsoever.]
Good. You earned this. [The whisper against Eugene's ear was less seductive this time, more a kind of gentle support.] Go on, Eugene. Show me how good I made you feel.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-22 02:46 am (UTC)But he couldn't hold back anymore, the words urging just as much as Merriell's voice. As his orgasm hit, his muscles tensed, spasming around the other as he came over Merriell's hand and thank god his mind was blanked out and he couldn't think of the mess that might be on his desk or the floor... or both.
His teeth had pressed down against his already split lip to muffle the moan of pleasure. The climax had been far more intense than anything he'd felt before and he couldn't seem to focus on anything at all, no words no feelings just the pleasure that was still firing through his body though less intense.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-24 08:29 pm (UTC)His reaction was not as massive as Eugene's, of course, but he did bury his face in the man's neck to stifle the sounds he was longing to release. As he slowly regained his breath, he shifted his hands once more to cradle Eugene's body against his, supporting him in the event that any part of his legs should go weak.
This was it, then. The part that he could hide in was done. Now he'd get to face the reality, and Merriell didn't feel like he could just walk away for that and say it was his to work out for himself. Face now pressed against his hair, Merriell waited quietly.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 06:51 am (UTC)He could the other pressed against the back of his hair and he closed his eyes tightly the reality of what had just happened rushing in and god. What had he done? He sucked in his bottom lip, feeling it bleeding again for a few seconds as he tried to find words anything aside from the shame and flood of emotions that came with realizing what he had repressed for so long had been forced to the surface like this.
There was no doubt that he'd been willing and that he hadn't enjoyed a good deal of it but he'd let the other take him and he could just hear the comments about that in his head that people could make. What was worse was the feeling that he'd betrayed everything he'd always held himself accountable for, broken every standard and spit in God's face.]
You're done right? [he forced the words out, thicker than he would have wanted but he needed him to go before he fell apart because he was sure that he would.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 07:00 am (UTC)That was fucking cold. Even if he could tell from the sound of Eugene's voice that the words were meant to cover rather than convey emotion, it was still cold enough to shock him because they turned the situation around and took it at face value. Suddenly Merriell had to re-evaluate everything he'd done to be sure, at least in his own mind, that he hadn't misjudged any of Eugene's cues.
But he hadn't. He knew that. Still, did that mean he'd had any right to push the envelope like this and force Eugene into an epiphany?
The whole situation was fucking with him way more than he'd ever imagined, but he just ignored the cacophony in his head as he released his hold on Eugene and pulled out, stepping back and pulling up his pants.]
Yeah. I'm done. [His words were equally cold, but he didn't sound any more convincing than Eugene had, especially when he followed that with:] You okay?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 07:07 am (UTC)Was he okay?
No.]
Yeah.
[But he didn't look at Merriell as he tried to straighten up his appearance, deep breaths to keep calm. Would everyone in the office realize what had just happened? Would everyone be able to see right through him and know he what he was? He'd never been honest with himself and the rapid shot from 0 to 100 had him reeling.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 07:18 am (UTC)Was it because Eugene's skin was so fair and flawless, or was this guilt creeping in? Did he really look like a Walking Dead extra in anyone's eyes but Merriell's?]
Looks like you got in a fistfight. Probably ain't that regular working in an office but I doubt it's unheard of, neither.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 07:24 am (UTC)Why are you still here? You got what you wanted, didn't you?
[He finally spoke, finally turning his eyes to Merriell. He couldn't explain how he felt, equal parts confused and angry and something else. There had been something to Merriell that had felt more than right and that there was that voice inside saying he wanted more but he couldn't accept that.
And with the way that he looked he was going to have to wait until well into the evening to leave so that no one would see him.
He could have fired him, even used the fist fight explanation but he didn't.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 07:44 am (UTC)It sure got too late for that in a hurry. But he was not going to stand here and be treated like he'd taken advantage when he'd given Eugene lots of chances to stop what they'd done.]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 07:52 am (UTC)Do you think it's been easy to live right and do all the right things when I know deep inside what I am? And you just come in here and ... That's what you wanted, right? To see me give in to you, for you to feel proven right? Guess we'll both go to hell now.
[There was little anger actually meant for Merriell, more so self-loathing that seeped into his words. He sat in his chair again, closing his eyes because sitting just now was a reminder of what had just happened. He pressed his fingers to his temple.] Isn't that enough for you? Why you still here, Merriell Shelton?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-25 08:11 am (UTC)[He'd been an idiot to treat this like a game when it started, especially for thinking that it'd be easy for Eugene to shed whatever kept him from being honest about himself. Repressed, that's how he'd always thought of his boss, but freedom wasn't always as easy as just stepping out of a cage you made for yourself.
Hell, it never was. Just because he'd done it earlier hadn't made it any easier for him.
He stayed at a distance while Eugene moved away from him but still didn't leave, so overwhelmed by the force of what he'd said that he was unable to find any response.]
I'm still here 'cause - what you been doin', that ain't livin' right, but I didn't think - [He swallowed hard and looked away. At least he'd found a few words.]
GOOD THING I FELL ASLEEP??
Date: 2016-09-25 03:31 pm (UTC)What do you even know about me that makes you think you can say that? [He frowned.]
<3333
Date: 2016-09-26 07:22 pm (UTC)How did he never realize until now that he wasn't just attracted to his boss, but really liked him? The little he knew, anyway, and the hints of personality that came through despite all his attempts to be perfectly professional: just the fact that he couldn't keep them from sneaking through was so endearing.
He turned away and scrubbed a hand over his face, then ran it over his hair. His movements were usually smooth and fluid, with the same particular sort of easy grace as a cat, which made his physical agitation so that much more plainly.]
I just know you can't hide nothing inside you forever, not when it's part of who you are. It's like... [Turning slightly, he looked at Eugene with unusual softness.] ... s'like how you talk smart enough to fit in with a big office and a nice suit, and real fast like them 'cause there's always somewhere more important you gotta be, but you ain't never gonna be nothin' but a Southern boy who learned some tricks for the Yanks. Can't get that outta your blood, and you can't get this out, neither.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-26 09:28 pm (UTC)It was true enough about the Southern thing and he knew at the end of the day he was always a country boy masquerading in the city but that wasn't a big lie. That wasn't a big hidden secret. He wasn't ashamed of where he came from.
His sexuality was something that he had planned to take to his grave. He was going to find a nice wife even and just settle down. But now it'd been dragged out into the open right in front of his eyes which made it harder to deny and lie to himself.]
I wasn't ever going to do anything about it. It ain't right.